You know when you just have one of those days when something that you felt was impossible to figure out, finally had true meaning and it all made sense. Voila! Today is my day. Actually it has been building for quite some time, I have just been rather pig headed and ignored the signs. This is only my second post in well over a year and have no idea what I had written before and have no desire to look back, but I am quite sure no background of me and who I am is in it. That will come in due course. My background has really nothing to do with this post and at the same time, everything - but that is not my goal for writing. I know that none of this makes any sense at the moment, so bear with me as I am pretty new to this. Just trying to get my thoughts out, but feel I am just blabbing a bunch of nonesense. Ok, back to what I am trying to say. For the first time in a really really long time, I have actually felt ok..I have accepted the truth at face value and found peace by it. Of course I had to take extreme actions for that to happen. I had to cut somebody I truly loved out of my life. Not something I wanted to do, something I HAD to do! If I have to keep my ex-common-law-husband of 12 years in my life because we have kids together, you can assume that I wanted to keep someone I cared so much for in my life, but I couldn't. I am sure that he cut me out at the exact same moment, but never worded it as such..and really I don't know for sure as I blocked him in all areas of my life and couldn't respond to his last email. Actually, I couldn't dignify it with a response because it upset me so much..it pissed me off actually. That was two months ago...So how did I get here, to today? A lot of tears, a lot of sadness..depression, unable to function, but all at the same time, pretending to be happy to the world. That I was ok, when really I wasn't.  I stopped talking to a lot of my friends because I knew they didn't want to hear his name any more..I was driving them bonkers with it. I pretty much had lived like a hermit (not fully since I have kids) and just left home for grocery shopping, pick-up/drop-off kids from school, going to work..and the occasional visit to a friend's place. Other than that, I pretty much wasn't living my life at all. On the weekends that my kids would be with their dad (a whole new thing in our lives and a totally different post for future), I would stay at home and do nothing besides dishes, laundry, cleaning and sleeping, or not sleeping, depending on the night. And it really wasn't much as I was really not functioning all that well...emotionally a disaster. But as the time progressed, I noticed that I was a little bit more cheery and a little bit less of a hermit and went out and explored my good neighbourhood of Hintonburg, and I was becoming a little bit more like my normal self. It was all in bite size pieces though, so hard to really notice. I was starting to live my life without really noticing, and it felt good. Today is a day that I had realized something. Something very important. While two months ago and two weeks ago for that matter, I was so upset and hurt because my heart was broken. And it really really was (and still is to a degree), but that was all that I was focusing on. I wasn't focusing on the big picture. Only my poor little broken heart and shattered dreams is all I cared about, and frankly obsessed over it. He (I'll call him Elliot) broke up with me because his life couldn't fit me in it, since his life (single father with daughter) and career were becoming way to time consuming. Plus we live in different cities. So distance + me and my two kids + promissing career taking off + daughter does not = a promissing relationship, I just refused to see it. I am not saying it is not possible to work, it could. It would just require a lot of work, but both parties would have to be game, and that is where it was unbalanced. So no amount of love could make that work...I am just really accepting that now. I do still love him and I do still think of him daily, but more and more I do see how it just couldn't have worked, no matter how much I would have loved it to. And to be honest, I still believe there is a part of him that could still love me too. I now accept that this must have been a really hard decision he had to make, because emotionally what we had was pretty awesome. This career choice of his has been a dream he has been chasing for so many years and now it is his for the taking, but it requires a lot of time and energy..and by chosing that, he had not more time to give. I know when I deleted him from my email/chat/etc., it probably seemed like I didn't want him in my life ever again..and at that time, it probably was true. I was also encouraged by a number of friends to make that extreme move, as it was just making me more miserable keeping him in my life. And I know my friends really care about me and didn't like that I was so obsessively miserable. You see, right after the break up, we tried to stay friends. BIG MISTAKE!! We figured since we started as friends that we could stay friends. I think we could have stayed friends if we just gave each other some space from the moment of the break-up..to take the time to heal..but we didn't. And in turn, a friendship wasn't salvaged or reformed, it was being more and more destroyed. He was changing and was no longer the person that I loved, but becoming a cold and distant person that I couldn't associate with. I was hurt and so desperately needed to heal, but with him in my daily life, it just hurt more and more and I was becoming so sad and dwelled on it, and hope that somehow I could see a glimpse of that person I was with, that person that I loved..The more and more I held on, the more distant he became. You see, he didn't deal with any of the break-up, he pushed it aside and went straight to business career wise and focused all of his time with that. Maybe now he has dealt with the emotions of the break-up and has moved on, I don't know. But at that time, he was showing me all the signs that he needed me out of his life, without being the one to really say it..Kept talking about another woman who was now his new best friend (as a woman, that killed me) and would only communicate with me on his own time when it was convenient for him and on his terms, and met with me at a cafe that was not his regular spot in fear of running in to someone he or we both knew...all cowardly things in my mind. He was too stubborn, and I was too stubborn...but eventually cord had to be cut. And for the first time, I am actually ok with the break-up. I have played many scenarios in my head and retraced every moment, and came to the conclusion that we really do not belong together, we are too different and too simillar in so many ways. I think we both have had a lot of chemistry and a bond and love for one another that we thought at the time it was supposed to be on a romantic nature...and in reality it really is best as friends. But the sad thing is, we are no longer friends..I don't know if we could ever get that back. I am worried that all I would get is that fake "friend" that he was dishing to me after the break..I didn't like that person..too cold for me. In reality, he is a really great man with a lot of love to give (if he is willing to that is), he cares so much about his daughter, family and friends and would kill for them if he had to. He is/was a great friend. Due to my epic moment of realization and acceptance, I almost tried to contact him, wanted to share my happy news. But at last moment, I didn't. Maybe it wasn't the right moment and maybe that moment may never come...and I am ok with that. I just wish him well. Take care sweet Elliot, take care.

Kim

This has been a week of hell for sure. Two sick kids and having to postpone my job interview was not the way I wanted to experience this week. Today the kids are feeling better and the my interview is tomorrow, so I guess that isn't so bad.

So far this blogger thingy feels kinda weird. Sending emails to my friends and venting the daylights out seems really easy, but at the moment, I feel as if I am typing to air, and that freaks me out.

Oh, I could go on for a day or two, I kid you not...just need a muse or an ear...something like that.

Update - absent father to my children has now moved in with new lady love..or new babysitter...depends on how you look at it I guess...

Hello to all. My name is Kim and this is my first day exploring the land of the journal/blog. I have never done this before, so my apologies if it sounds rather choppy in my thoughts.

I am a single mom with 2 beautiful boys. Their dad lives far far away. I am at home with the boys today as they are sick...and all I can think of is how frustrated I am that I have nobody to look after my boys so I can go to work. I don't get child support, so me going to work is very important.

that's all for now,